Three Kids in a Trench Coat

I’ve talked about it a little bit, and how I don’t use the term much, but “switching” is part & parcel of DID, so I’m going to try and explain a little bit.

I don’t want to pretend to understand this better than I do, so if you dissociate and your experience of the whole thing is very different – trust your own experience. I’m just trying to make sense for myself while I share ❤

“Switching” is something that happens when one part steps forward, and another part goes “back inside”. The part that steps forward is, “up front” or “at the front” – in part, signalling the way in which they have (typically) control of the body, the voice, actions & decisions, that sort of thing.

It’s actually way more complicated than that, but baby steps Riley – don’t jump into the nuances before you’re able to explain the basics.

One important facet is that switches between who’s “up front” often are kept minimal in terms of, “clockable” differences. Not even as a conscious choice often – your system is likely oriented in such a way that you’re not trying to draw attention to these shifts, so we’re talking more about an internal change in who’s saying, “I’m here now” inside, rather than a sudden left turn that someone outside would see and go, “Oh, something’s seriously different here…”

The part(s) that go, “inside” may or may not be aware of what’s happening up front and in the world around – but either way, they’ve at least to some extent withdrawn beneath the dissociative surface.

What does this all mean in practice?

Well, it means there’s a different part driving. A new duck. And, if you remember the wonderful Explained by Ducks video – “Every duck has a role – a reason…” That means that what you’re trying to do, your goals, and the memories that make up identity – can shift, sometimes in quite jarring ways.

There can also be amnesia, and this one’s a fucker.

When a switch is, “covert”, it basically means, “it’s subtle enough that I can cover for myself”. Maybe I haven’t been present for a difficult conversation topic, and I arrive, back in the room… but I can just smile and nod, go with enough context clues, to not “let it slip” to someone that I’ve been away and it’s been a part talking (which is still me though, remember – and sometimes they can fill me in later… like I said, it’s complicated). I can usually right the ship, unless I’ve missed a whole lot – everyone ‘zones out’ sometimes.

When a switch is, “overt”… it’s noticeable. A part takes the wheel, drives, and they’re not driving the way I would. This is the territory of where you hear someone describing you acting really out of character, and you don’t remember a damn thing – there might be 5 mins, 4 hours, a weekend, a month… of time you just can’t account for in memory, but you’ve definitely heard that, yup, you weren’t yourself. Many of us may have experienced something like this after a night of being drunk enough. It’s like that. Only sober, or at least sober enough that yeah – booze or drugs were not at the heart of it.

For me, overt switching is (I think, friends can correct me if I’ve got this wrong!), pretty rare. It’s happened a few times this year, from what I can gather. I think there’s usually at least some involvement of social lubricants when parts come to the surface in ways that overtly noticeable, otherwise between us we keep things pretty on the DL (a complication of which is being overly aware of switching, and feeling like, “I can’t choose to shift gears because somebody might notice and it’ll give the whole game away…”)

Covert switching on the other hand – well, I barely remember therapy most of the time. The same is sometimes true of certain difficult conversations in day to day life, particularly if I’m generally feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Sometimes I wonder, “How did I get here again… & why?”, while looking at maps on my phone, trying to figure out what’s going on while not showing just how lost & confused I am to the world.

I often don’t tell my therapist when (what I believe to be) covert switching happens, because we’ve talked about it, and parts having a space where they can come out and talk, without feeling like there are going to be all these repercussions, is important. In other words – “when things are hard, dissociation is going to happen, and that’s ok.” Dr Jamie Marich talks about, “Clinicians who say, ‘Don’t let your clients dissociate!”, to whom they respond, “You just are not that powerful.” Preach Jamie, preach. I’m lucky I have a therapist who reminds me of that, because I need to hear it from someone I trust now & then.

Part of the irony of it all is, in my experience, the more comfortable you are with the possibility of switching, the less it happens, at least without your invitation. Switching “on purpose” is actually kind of super helpful, because when you have parts that are good at various things (like work, standing up for yourself, connecting, or finding comfort and rest), and that want to come out and live their lives – well, why would you want to keep them cooped up inside? Let ’em out to play!

Being “co-conscious” while switching happens basically means, “I stay & we co-pilot” as parts arrive & take breaks, rather than the, “going away”, amnesia, and, “WTF happened while I was gone?” moments. I actually think most switching is more the former for me most of the time when I’m not in survival mode, and it’s often an initial core goal of therapy to reduce time in survival mode, and be more in that first camp more of the time.

Doing so while you remain grounded & present is the challenge at first, as it can be pretty disorienting. The thing that prompted me to seek out T&D competent therapy was the fact that I was starting to remain present during switches more, and I was finding it confusing and scary – and ‘resisting’ switching without knowing what was going on was, it turns out, not working out very well for me. Not because my parts are scary, just because… well, if you’ve experienced all this, you may well know. If you haven’t then, well, let’s just say that becoming aware of this stuff can be a bit of a trip.

I’ll leave you with two excellent videos from Dr Mike Young at the CTAD clinic on, firstly, overt & covert switching. He covers things like the, “social media presentation” of DID, which focuses on the overt stuff, and how, for most people, most of the time, switching is a ‘covert’ thing.

And a follow-up Q&A that ends up being more of a loose, but very informative, conversation about switching in general:

Lastly I guess – the term “covert” switching can feel a little shaming at times. Like you’re somehow being duplicitous. It’s not like that, at least not for me, and I imagine not for vast majority of people with DID, either. It’s simply about trying to get on with life, without introducing all these additional disruptions of drawing attention to, “zoning out”, or other types of dissociation that just happen when you’re already feeling overwhelmed. It’s so often an automated defence system that protects you when you’re scared.

Please don’t get it twisted – we’re just trying to live our lives out here.

The “forced normal front that can pass in everyday life” is often the mask we wear to hide what’s really going on “under the dissociative surface”. “I am my parts”, my parts are not masks. Again. It’s more complicated than that. But hey, being a person is complicated at times whoever you are – and that includes things like fitting in socially while staying true to your individual nature & values, so we’re no different there than anyone else.

Lot of Dr Mike videos today, but he’s a great, clear, and reassuring voice in this space.

Anyway, if that’s clear as mud – congratulations! You’re about where I am with understanding this whole switching side of the whole dissociation thing.

If it makes more sense to me in future maybe I’ll write an update, but for now…

Until next time, take care of yourselves kiddos ❤

Riley & fam