Three Kids in a Trench Coat

Hard therapy session today.

I was a bit of a mess. I had to stop and cry. A lot. Most of the rest of the time I had my head in hands with just this heavy feeling of dejection, not saying anything.

At one point my therapist commented on what a big achievement something I’d done that week was, and I just broke down, had to just stop & sit with myself, shut the conversation down for 5 minutes & go inside while I felt this huge well of pain, sadness, and shame about someone saying something good about me & all of the inner fallout that created.

We carried on, hard terrain the whole way. We tried doing some grounding a bit further on. I got as far as naming a couple of things in my room, then had to ask if we could just stop – I was done, my body was a lead weight. We were exhausted, physically and emotionally.

So we stopped. It was near the end of the session – and my therapist said, “You’ve done incredibly well today – it’s been a long time since you’ve sat with everyone for that long & held all those feelings at once…”

Weirdly, it didn’t come as a surprise. I felt it. Present through the pain, the mopiness, sadness, fear, anger, disgust…. aware, listening, and still in the driver’s seat.

I guess, in a way, this doesn’t feel worse per se – just different. I’m just more aware of what big loads we’re each carrying (stop snickering, Jesse!).

But it’s a place we can build from. A stable foundation.

Work in progress.

‘Til next time – take care of yourselves, kiddos x

Riley & fam ❤